“I can’t do this anymore. This is way too much.”
“Stop”
“I need space for myself. But I pray and hope we can become friends”
“Don’t do this”
“I’m sorry.”
“PLEASE!”
Alex slowly turns and walks away. I want to say something, and I know the words I want to say. But something stops me. It’s like my jaw is frozen shut. I can’t open my mouth. I want to run, but it feels like there are chains surrounding my arms and legs, pulling me back!
How could this happen?
I woke up one day, completely shaken up. I didn’t know what it was. A dream? I stretched out, crawled out of bed and stepped over to the mirror. I gasped a little and looked in the glass. The glass showed a person on the other side. He looked exactly like me, but he didn’t feel like the person I knew. His face was crying, and I couldn’t explain why the guy on the other side of the mirror cried.
I am just like any other teenager. I live with my parents who are nagging about education and to be a better version of myself. I have some good friends, and maybe some who don’t exactly LOVE me. The only thing that’s different with me, is that I do have a secret that no one knows about. Not even my childhood friend whom I’ve known for 11 years.
I’m gay.
There is this guy in my class, who is open about him being gay, which I kind of adore. He is handsome, cheery, helpful and brave! He was not afraid at all to come out to the class, or anyone at all. He literally stepped up in front of the entire class and told them that he was gay and if they wondered about something, no question was stupid. His name is Alex.
Of course, as one can expect Alex met some troubles after his confession to the school. Him being gay was like a perfect reason for people to hate on him, but even when threatened to be beaten up, he simply stood there like an unmovable boulder. He didn’t smile. Neither did he cry. He didn’t really have any expression on his face as these guys ran their mouths about him wanting to have sex with them and how they hated his gay face and stuff like that. And about the time they were done talking him down he would just say,
“Later” and walk off as if nothing really had happened.
Personally, I’ve had a crush on him for a year or so. I have talked to him a lot. I facetime with him and I have gotten quite close to him. I know many details about him and many of them are irrelevant, but interesting to me. Like how his favorite color is blue and how he prepares tacos by using sour cream first, then meat and then vegetables.
Anyways, I figured out… it was time for me to come out of the closet. I was quite tired of hiding. And I started to think that Alex were the one I wanted to tell first. if he didn’t accept me being gay, then who would? And so, I grabbed my phone and called him. I shook so much while I put my phone to my ear. The beeping was so loud and intense. Has it always been this intense?
“Hey there bud! What’s up?” said Alex.
“Hi, can we meet? There is something I need to say.” I notice there is a sudden shake to my voice. Like there is an earthquake in my throat.
“Are you ok? Do I need to bring the black roses?” Alex said with a little laugh. It was clear that behind the laugh there was a worry. The black roses are a metaphor the two of us came up with. It is a dark joke about suicide, but we still find it funny.
“I don’t know yet, maybe.” I said laughing to shake away the fright.
“Hmm, how about we meet up tonight at our usual spot?” Alex asked me with a clear voice.
It is funny because there is something with his voice that makes me want to listen to him more and more and just get closer to him like I were a soldier or pirate and he were a siren drawing me to the shores with the beauty of his voice.
Our usual spot is, to be honest, really cliché. We were walking together when we once spotted an abandoned tree hut in the forest close to our school. Ever since, we decided that this would be our spot. Usually I look forward going there to meet Alex, but this time. I was not so sure why I was so afraid, but for every step I took it felt like there was an earthquake going on. I shook so hard.
I arrived there and sat down on the pillow I stole from my mother’s old couch. she was furious when she noticed two pillows disappeared. I was twiddling my thumbs while I waited for Alex to show up. But then I saw him. I don’t know what really happened. But at the very moment I saw his face coming closer. Something in me started to quiver. And at that I felt drops hitting my hands. I cried rivers in front of my crush. Could it ever get more embarrassing?
Alex saw me sitting there. and instantly rushed over to my side. I’m not even sure he thought about what he was doing because he just instantly embraced me and hugged me. He smelled newly showered. It was nice.
“What’s going on? Are you ok?” Alex said with a worried voice.
“I’m not sure how to say this. No one knows about it, and it’s hard for me to keep it a secret. It eats me away to a point where I don’t even know myself.” I replied
“You should know by now that you can explain everything to me. Or else I will have to give you a serious kick to the balls.” He laughed, trying to cheer me up.
“Everything?” I asked him quite shocked. I knew he cared about me. But to willingly take on my burdens too?
“Absolutely everything!” Alex smiled now.
“Well here it comes.” I said.
…
…
“When?” Alex said impatiently.
“Now!” I screamed.
“I’m not as chill as you were and I’m still not ready for everyone to know. But if I can’t tell you, then who? I’m afraid to admit it, but I like boys.” I muttered out.
“Me too!” he smiled. I felt an instant shock.
“Me too? What kind of reply is that?!” I screamed out.
“Well, what do you want me to say? Eww, that’s nasty?” He let his tongue out. He reminded me of that joking emoji.
“I DON’T KNOW? Maybe ask me if I’m sure? Get pissed for me making fun of you?” I said insecurely.
“Well. Are you?”
“OF COURSE NOT!”
“Then why bother asking? You are you, and you are perfect just the way you are.”
“Well, while I’m at it. Can I do something?”
“You aren’t gonna rape me or anything?” He said covering his private parts.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?! Just come closer!”
Alex stepped closer. I felt my shaking disappearing. I was sure that it was now or never! So, I went up to him, closed my eyes and kissed him.
It felt warm, the touch of his lips made me forget everything that went through my insecure head. My focus was against him, and him only. The earthquake that once was there suddenly vanished and the damage it caused, magically healed.
Some couple of weeks after this day we regularly went to the hut. There we sat and cuddled and kissed, laughed and talked all day. I enjoyed every day. Alex was my first boyfriend and I was pretty much in heaven around him. I was still afraid to tell my parents, so my relationship with Alex was kept a secret. It didn’t bother me. And it didn’t look like it bothered Alex too much either. At that time, we just felt good in each other’s company.
One day after school a classmate came up to me and asked what I was doing with Alex every day. My response was automatically a lie. I told stuff like: that we went to him and played games or to the mall and stuff like that. When we went to the hut, I noticed that something bothered Alex.
“What’s up, something is bothering you?” I wondered.
“How long do I have to lie about us?”
That question alone managed to make a rip in my stomach.
“I don’t know. To be honest. If only it was that easy.” I said with a half-choked voice.
“Ok.”
His simple answer scared me, but I didn’t think much more of it.
Days went by and things were still nice between me and Alex. But I noticed a slight change, and I thought that he was tired of hiding the truth. I could understand him. He wanted to be proud and open with his relationship. But his partner was still scared, and it forced him into an unwilling secret.
“Hey, my mother is going to make your favorite dish by coincidence. You interested in coming over? I’m sure she would love to meet you. We do not necessarily have to talk about us being a couple. But as soon as you are ready, and you have told your family. She knows who you are!” Said Alex out of nowhere.
It shocked me. Like thunder suddenly popped up.
“I’m sorry, I promised my mother to help her out with the yard.”
I know I lied but I was too afraid. I felt like my secret could pop out without us being aware. It would ruin everything. Though I felt like I had just deceived the most important human in my life, and the shame I felt was intense.
“Awwe, its ok. We’ll take it another time!” He smiled at me.
I felt relieved, he believed me! The shame still lingered but at least he wouldn’t find out for now.
Weeks later he asked again.
“Hey, lets go on a date! Bowling? Cinema? Restaurant? Whatever you want! And just to make sure. Whenever you can!”
“I don’t think I’m comfortable with going out that publicly yet. I’m sorry. Its been almost 3 months but I’m still insecure. Please understand!”
My heart ached while I was rejecting him. It felt like I stabbed him in the back.
“It’s ok. Take your time.” You could clearly hear the disappointment in his voice. It made me want to scream.
Just a week later I met him in the hut. He was crying! I ran to him and surrounded his waist with my arms and hugged him.
“What’s going on? I’m here for you!” I kissed his forehead.
“My grandfather went away yesterday. The burial is already planned, and we are holding it in a week. I’m not gonna nag on you more than this. But PLEASE come. I need you there!”
“I’ll come.” The words just fell out of me.
“Really?” His eyes were all red and swollen. This is a side I’ve never seen of him.
“Really.” I replied.
That day we just spend hugging. Alex needed comfort now more than ever. Usually I’m the one who is in his arms, but this one time he was in mine. I quite enjoyed it, though the scenario was all wrong for me to have enjoyed myself the way I did.
The day of Alex’s grandfather’s burial arrived, and my suit was ready. I dressed up and looked in the mirror. I looked good, but again. I did not recognize myself at all. And I started to shake. I just couldn’t bring myself to go to his burial and I cried my eyes out. The clock ticked, and I noticed that the burial had started. I imagined Alex’s disappointment.
I just couldn’t stop crying, I felt regret, shame and self-loathing. When he needed me the most I couldn’t pull up the courage to be there, just because I’m scared to say that I’m gay. He must have been so angry.
I checked my phone.
3 missed calls.
10 messages.
I couldn’t bring myself to check the messages. I was afraid of what the messages would say.
The burial was over, and I got one last message. I thought I needed to check it. I had to acknowledge his disappointment now. Sooner or later I would need to face it. And so, the earthquake-like feeling was back, the rivers in my eyes increased as I read through the messages.
“I’m waiting at the entrance to the church, thanks for coming!”
“It’s starting soon, where are you?”
“I really have to go inside now, if you come I will sit on the third row.”
“You’re not coming, are you?”
It felt like the devil held my heart. But the last message made my entire head explode.
“The hut, now!”
The anger in this message was clear. I could see through it like glass. I knew this was going to be dramatic. But I thought that I had to just go. So, I put my shoes on, I still wore my suit. The thought of changing did not cross my mind.
As I got there I could hear Alex sob. I stood outside the door for maybe 3 minutes, but it felt like hours. The sound of his voice crying and almost screaming -it broke my heart because I knew this was somewhat my fault.
I opened the door and I instantly watched his eyes. He wasn’t angry, he was furious. His eyes reminded me of a vicious serpent’s deadly stare. The little earthquake I felt as I read through our messages was just like a like a child shaking you, seeking to play. The one I felt now was like the entire ground tore apart under my feet.
“How could you? You promised to be there!” He said.
“I know, as you can see I planned to come, but my insecurity held me back.”
“Ok, let me ask you. What is the big problem? Your family will accept you, and if they don’t, I would! That should be plenty!”
“I know, I’m so..”
“NO, YOU DON’T KNOW! What am I to you even?” he interrupted.
“You are my everything. I wouldn’t have managed to deal with myself without you. That’s why it hurts so incredibly much for me to not be able to speak out and openly. I WANT to scream out to the entire universe that you are my boyfriend, but I’m afraid, and it KILLS me!” I cried out.
“I needed you today more than I have ever needed you, and you didn’t dare because you can’t face the fact that, you are you, and you are gay! There is no one that could take that away from you! But you were simply too blind to see it!”
“It’s not that easy, you would never understand. I’m not like you, who can easily jump in front of the class and scream out that I’m gay!”
“Easy? You really think that I thought it was easy? I simply remained calm, but inside I screamed in fright! I had to show strength to get it through! It was never even the slightest piece of cake!” Alex was now crying.
“But you are right, I will never understand it, because I would have been the strength you needed, the motivation. But no matter how hard I tried. You just rejected the fact that someone will accept you. I will accept you!” He continued.
“I can’t do this anymore. This is way too much.”
“Stop”
“I need space for myself. But I pray and hope we can stay friends.”
“Don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry.”
“PLEASE!”
Alex slowly turns and walks away. I want to say something, and I know the words I want to say. But something stops me. It’s like my jaw is frozen shut. I can’t open my mouth. I want to run, but it feels like there are chains surrounding my arms and legs, pulling me back!
And the chains created by society who none other than myself have let hold me back.
