A Homosexual Lovestory

A Homosexual Lovestory

av den 23. november 2018

“I can’t do this anymore. This is way too much.”

Stop

“I need space for myself. But I pray and hope we can become friends”

Don’t do this”

“I’m sorry.”

PLEASE!”

Alex slowly turns and walks away. I want to say something, and I know the words I want to say. But something stops me. It’s like my jaw is frozen shut. I can’t open my mouth. I want to run, but it feels like there are chains surrounding my arms and legs, pulling me back!

How could this happen?

I woke up one day, completely shaken up. I didn’t know what it was. A dream? I stretched out, crawled out of bed and stepped over to the mirror. I gasped a little and looked in the glass. The glass showed a person on the other side. He looked exactly like me, but he didn’t feel like the person I knew. His face was crying, and I couldn’t explain why the guy on the other side of the mirror cried.

I am just like any other teenager. I live with my parents who are nagging about education and to be a better version of myself. I have some good friends, and maybe some who don’t exactly LOVE me. The only thing that’s different with me, is that I do have a secret that no one knows about. Not even my childhood friend whom I’ve known for 11 years.

I’m gay.

There is this guy in my class, who is open about him being gay, which I kind of adore. He is handsome, cheery, helpful and brave! He was not afraid at all to come out to the class, or anyone at all. He literally stepped up in front of the entire class and told them that he was gay and if they wondered about something, no question was stupid. His name is Alex.

Of course, as one can expect Alex met some troubles after his confession to the school. Him being gay was like a perfect reason for people to hate on him, but even when threatened to be beaten up, he simply stood there like an unmovable boulder. He didn’t smile. Neither did he cry. He didn’t really have any expression on his face as these guys ran their mouths about him wanting to have sex with them and how they hated his gay face and stuff like that. And about the time they were done talking him down he would just say,

“Later” and walk off as if nothing really had happened.

Personally, I’ve had a crush on him for a year or so. I have talked to him a lot. I facetime with him and I have gotten quite close to him. I know many details about him and many of them are irrelevant, but interesting to me. Like how his favorite color is blue and how he prepares tacos by using sour cream first, then meat and then vegetables.

Anyways, I figured out… it was time for me to come out of the closet. I was quite tired of hiding. And I started to think that Alex were the one I wanted to tell first. if he didn’t accept me being gay, then who would? And so, I grabbed my phone and called him. I shook so much while I put my phone to my ear. The beeping was so loud and intense. Has it always been this intense?

“Hey there bud! What’s up?” said Alex.

“Hi, can we meet? There is something I need to say.” I notice there is a sudden shake to my voice. Like there is an earthquake in my throat.

“Are you ok? Do I need to bring the black roses?” Alex said with a little laugh. It was clear that behind the laugh there was a worry. The black roses are a metaphor the two of us came up with. It is a dark joke about suicide, but we still find it funny.

“I don’t know yet, maybe.” I said laughing to shake away the fright.

“Hmm, how about we meet up tonight at our usual spot?” Alex asked me with a clear voice.

It is funny because there is something with his voice that makes me want to listen to him more and more and just get closer to him like I were a soldier or pirate and he were a siren drawing me to the shores with the beauty of his voice.

Our usual spot is, to be honest, really cliché. We were walking together when we once spotted an abandoned tree hut in the forest close to our school. Ever since, we decided that this would be our spot. Usually I look forward going there to meet Alex, but this time. I was not so sure why I was so afraid, but for every step I took it felt like there was an earthquake going on. I shook so hard.

I arrived there and sat down on the pillow I stole from my mother’s old couch. she was furious when she noticed two pillows disappeared. I was twiddling my thumbs while I waited for Alex to show up. But then I saw him.  I don’t know what really happened. But at the very moment I saw his face coming closer. Something in me started to quiver. And at that I felt drops hitting my hands. I cried rivers in front of my crush. Could it ever get more embarrassing?

Alex saw me sitting there. and instantly rushed over to my side. I’m not even sure he thought about what he was doing because he just instantly embraced me and hugged me. He smelled newly showered. It was nice.

“What’s going on? Are you ok?” Alex said with a worried voice.

“I’m not sure how to say this. No one knows about it, and it’s hard for me to keep it a secret. It eats me away to a point where I don’t even know myself.” I replied

“You should know by now that you can explain everything to me. Or else I will have to give you a serious kick to the balls.” He laughed, trying to cheer me up.

“Everything?” I asked him quite shocked. I knew he cared about me. But to willingly take on my burdens too?

“Absolutely everything!” Alex smiled now.

“Well here it comes.” I said.

“When?” Alex said impatiently.

“Now!” I screamed.

“I’m not as chill as you were and I’m still not ready for everyone to know. But if I can’t tell you, then who? I’m afraid to admit it, but I like boys.” I muttered out.

“Me too!” he smiled. I felt an instant shock.

“Me too? What kind of reply is that?!” I screamed out.

“Well, what do you want me to say? Eww, that’s nasty?” He let his tongue out. He reminded me of that joking emoji.

“I DON’T KNOW? Maybe ask me if I’m sure? Get pissed for me making fun of you?” I said insecurely.

“Well. Are you?”

“OF COURSE NOT!”

“Then why bother asking? You are you, and you are perfect just the way you are.”

“Well, while I’m at it. Can I do something?”

“You aren’t gonna rape me or anything?” He said covering his private parts.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?! Just come closer!”

Alex stepped closer. I felt my shaking disappearing. I was sure that it was now or never! So, I went up to him, closed my eyes and kissed him.

 

It felt warm, the touch of his lips made me forget everything that went through my insecure head. My focus was against him, and him only. The earthquake that once was there suddenly vanished and the damage it caused, magically healed.

 

Some couple of weeks after this day we regularly went to the hut. There we sat and cuddled and kissed, laughed and talked all day. I enjoyed every day. Alex was my first boyfriend and I was pretty much in heaven around him. I was still afraid to tell my parents, so my relationship with Alex was kept a secret. It didn’t bother me. And it didn’t look like it bothered Alex too much either. At that time, we just felt good in each other’s company.

One day after school a classmate came up to me and asked what I was doing with Alex every day. My response was automatically a lie. I told stuff like: that we went to him and played games or to the mall and stuff like that. When we went to the hut, I noticed that something bothered Alex.

“What’s up, something is bothering you?” I wondered.

“How long do I have to lie about us?”

That question alone managed to make a rip in my stomach.

“I don’t know. To be honest. If only it was that easy.” I said with a half-choked voice.

“Ok.”

His simple answer scared me, but I didn’t think much more of it.

Days went by and things were still nice between me and Alex. But I noticed a slight change, and I thought that he was tired of hiding the truth. I could understand him. He wanted to be proud and open with his relationship. But his partner was still scared, and it forced him into an unwilling secret.

“Hey, my mother is going to make your favorite dish by coincidence. You interested in coming over? I’m sure she would love to meet you. We do not necessarily have to talk about us being a couple. But as soon as you are ready, and you have told your family. She knows who you are!” Said Alex out of nowhere.

It shocked me. Like thunder suddenly popped up.

“I’m sorry, I promised my mother to help her out with the yard.”

I know I lied but I was too afraid. I felt like my secret could pop out without us being aware. It would ruin everything. Though I felt like I had just deceived the most important human in my life, and the shame I felt was intense.

“Awwe, its ok. We’ll take it another time!” He smiled at me.

I felt relieved, he believed me! The shame still lingered but at least he wouldn’t find out for now.

Weeks later he asked again.

“Hey, lets go on a date! Bowling? Cinema? Restaurant? Whatever you want! And just to make sure. Whenever you can!”

“I don’t think I’m comfortable with going out that publicly yet. I’m sorry. Its been almost 3 months but I’m still insecure. Please understand!”

My heart ached while I was rejecting him. It felt like I stabbed him in the back.

“It’s ok. Take your time.” You could clearly hear the disappointment in his voice. It made me want to scream.

Just a week later I met him in the hut. He was crying! I ran to him and surrounded his waist with my arms and hugged him.

“What’s going on? I’m here for you!” I kissed his forehead.

“My grandfather went away yesterday. The burial is already planned, and we are holding it in a week. I’m not gonna nag on you more than this. But PLEASE come. I need you there!”

“I’ll come.” The words just fell out of me.

“Really?” His eyes were all red and swollen. This is a side I’ve never seen of him.

“Really.” I replied.

That day we just spend hugging. Alex needed comfort now more than ever. Usually I’m the one who is in his arms, but this one time he was in mine. I quite enjoyed it, though the scenario was all wrong for me to have enjoyed myself the way I did.

The day of Alex’s grandfather’s burial arrived, and my suit was ready. I dressed up and looked in the mirror. I looked good, but again. I did not recognize myself at all. And I started to shake. I just couldn’t bring myself to go to his burial and I cried my eyes out. The clock ticked, and I noticed that the burial had started. I imagined Alex’s disappointment.

I just couldn’t stop crying, I felt regret, shame and self-loathing. When he needed me the most I couldn’t pull up the courage to be there, just because I’m scared to say that I’m gay. He must have been so angry.

I checked my phone.

3 missed calls.

10 messages.

I couldn’t bring myself to check the messages. I was afraid of what the messages would say.

The burial was over, and I got one last message. I thought I needed to check it. I had to acknowledge his disappointment now. Sooner or later I would need to face it. And so, the earthquake-like feeling was back, the rivers in my eyes increased as I read through the messages.

“I’m waiting at the entrance to the church, thanks for coming!”

“It’s starting soon, where are you?”

“I really have to go inside now, if you come I will sit on the third row.”

“You’re not coming, are you?”

It felt like the devil held my heart. But the last message made my entire head explode.

“The hut, now!”

The anger in this message was clear. I could see through it like glass. I knew this was going to be dramatic. But I thought that I had to just go. So, I put my shoes on, I still wore my suit. The thought of changing did not cross my mind.

As I got there I could hear Alex sob. I stood outside the door for maybe 3 minutes, but it felt like hours. The sound of his voice crying and almost screaming -it broke my heart because I knew this was somewhat my fault.

I opened the door and I instantly watched his eyes. He wasn’t angry, he was furious. His eyes reminded me of a vicious serpent’s deadly stare. The little earthquake I felt as I read through our messages was just like a like a child shaking you, seeking to play. The one I felt now was like the entire ground tore apart under my feet.

“How could you? You promised to be there!” He said.

“I know, as you can see I planned to come, but my insecurity held me back.”

“Ok, let me ask you. What is the big problem? Your family will accept you, and if they don’t, I would! That should be plenty!”

“I know, I’m so..”

“NO, YOU DON’T KNOW! What am I to you even?” he interrupted.

“You are my everything. I wouldn’t have managed to deal with myself without you. That’s why it hurts so incredibly much for me to not be able to speak out and openly. I WANT to scream out to the entire universe that you are my boyfriend, but I’m afraid, and it KILLS me!” I cried out.

“I needed you today more than I have ever needed you, and you didn’t dare because you can’t face the fact that, you are you, and you are gay! There is no one that could take that away from you! But you were simply too blind to see it!”

“It’s not that easy, you would never understand. I’m not like you, who can easily jump in front of the class and scream out that I’m gay!”

“Easy? You really think that I thought it was easy? I simply remained calm, but inside I screamed in fright! I had to show strength to get it through! It was never even the slightest piece of cake!” Alex was now crying.

“But you are right, I will never understand it, because I would have been the strength you needed, the motivation. But no matter how hard I tried. You just rejected the fact that someone will accept you. I will accept you!” He continued.

“I can’t do this anymore. This is way too much.”

Stop

“I need space for myself. But I pray and hope we can stay friends.”

Don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry.”

PLEASE!”

Alex slowly turns and walks away. I want to say something, and I know the words I want to say. But something stops me. It’s like my jaw is frozen shut. I can’t open my mouth. I want to run, but it feels like there are chains surrounding my arms and legs, pulling me back!

And the chains created by society who none other than myself have let hold me back.

The Night sky

av den 27. januar 2018

I moved out of the night sky and in to the city

And with every step that played beneath

my stale sorrowed feet,

silence would most surely drown me

in the endless river of time.

Crushed against the waves

I got washed away

off this frail piece of ground

beneath the warm red sun.

And so, once again,

I moved back

into the swelling night sky

A mere witness

as the universe kept on floating by

the naked treetops as they laid,

on the earth I once did stray.

For all that there is

and all there ever was

What shall remain as my bones dry up?

You’ll never get to sleep

av den 10. mai 2017

Her kommer et utkast til et dikt jeg skrev ned i den fine, grønne notatboka mi for nesten en måned siden, nærmere sagt 10. mai. Av en eller annen merkelig grunn kommer de fleste ideene, utkastene eller diktene mine på engelsk nå for tiden. Skal ikke se bortifra at jeg prøver å lage en norsk versjon snart, men for nå legger jeg ut dette:

You’ll never get to sleep,
your beating heart,
this city, a breathing beast,
never sleeping, never dying,
always changing:

What once was is not anymore, down the street
there was a pizza restaurant, now a burger take-out,
the little corner cafe has turned into a shop for e-cigarettes,
this city of mine, always changing,
new parkways, new parks,
new plants, new flowers,
old houses being teared down,
the past, our common (hi)story
ripped to pieces,
always tearing down
what we love the most, the stories of the past
turns into rubble and dust, everything in these walls,
all that once was, people that lived, whole lives,
in these old wood buildings
built by weary and old work-men’s hands,
one nail and rivet at a time,
wood on wood, planks carved out,

their handprints of the past
all over

I will not be silenced

av den 27. februar 2017

Det går lenge mellom hver gang jeg skriver dikt nå, men når jeg først kommer inn i flyten, og lar fingrene treffe tastaturet, uten å tenke, da kommer det mange ord til overflaten, og mye jeg ønsker å formidle. Dette diktet ble skrevet på cirka 10 minutter i går kveld, og er faktisk skrevet på engelsk, fordi det var slik det dukket opp i hodet mitt. Det er ikke redigert, finpusset eller endret på noen måte, men akkurat slik det kom.

I was born with a never-ending flame
inside of me, striving
to raise my voice, never silenced
hope, breathing through my lungs, every heartbeat
as living proof
of what the world will try to silence,
but I will not, hear me out:
I will not be silenced,
I will not change,
I will not give in,
I will not shut my mouth,
I will not and shall not
relinquish my right as a girl
to speak up!
Cause, I am here to stay, to breathe
eighty springs,
summers,
falls and winters,
never letting them
to fight the fires
within my soul:

Always burn,

always.

Life: Press Start To Continue

av den 17. november 2015

If I told you I’d never thought about it

You would have to call me a liar

 

And I’ll tell you how my gun would fire

but I never really talk about it

 

Dreaming always help me linger

cause I’ll never really pull the trigger

 

So dark and willing once I awake

Seems I never learn from mistake

 

If I told you I’d never thought about it

You should know that I’m a liar

 

cause there is just one thing that I must admit

I am the afthermath of a misfire

 

Another day goes by in this fragile mind

When I’m obscured and blind,

by the devil inside

I see lightning strike and then hope will shine

 

So when you ask me why

I don’t fear my own death

and how love got me fighting

for my next breath

 

I will hold you tight

and caress your skin

This, for me, is when life begins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kill The Creator

av den 27. oktober 2015

Prisoner of the mind

I see true colours, yet I’m blind

Prisoner of the mind

Collapsing sanity within this design

Envision of the friendly foe

Misconception will surely grow

Prisoner of my mind

Am I the fictious brother?

In the prison of no other

Deceitful tales from the back of my head

He is not our brother, the voices said

This is the end

Bring back my one true friend

Return to me with love again

From tainted mind I must ascend

For here I stand

Among trustful lies I cannot comprehend

Release me from imprisonment 

Embrace your schizophrenic nature

Fragmentation of the cosmic soul

One is a friend and the other’s a faker 

Within I shall find the subconscious traitor

the time has come to kill the creator

touché

Mea memoriae

av den 10. august 2014

I do not know where I am or where I have ended up. All I know is that I meant something to someone.

To them.

This is how my story starts. I see my life in replay and my childhood flies by. In particular, one memory is stronger than the others. There is a woman with blond hair and a floral dress, who laughs with a crystal clear laughter. She smiles when I come running towards her, and I throw myself into her embrace. The embrace only lasts for a few seconds, but I remember this incident as one of my earliest childhood memories. I cannot have been more than two and a half, yet this woman was one of the dearest things I had.

At the time her face was bright, I remember how she smiled and how she hugged me when I needed it. One day her smile was no longer there, her skin was pale, she was thin, her hands were shaking. When I tried to hug her, it smelled strongly of alcohol. One day when my father had picked me up from kindergarten, she lied on the couch with bottles of beer and wine all over the place. I ran up to her and tried to wake her up, but I failed. I shaked her shoulders, almost hit her in the face, but she did not wake up. My father tried to pull me away, at first he did not manage, but then he took a strong grip around me and sat me down in my bedroom. I remember my father trying to wake up my mother several times, he tried to talk to her, but it did not work. I did not know then that she was gone, but the years that has gone by afterwards, I have been told what really happened.

It feels a long time ago, as if all that is left of her is a shadow, or not even that. She is not here anymore, and it feels like I am not either. I remember when this woman took me to my very first day of preschool. She held my hand and squeezed it hard. I think she must have been more nervous than me. When we were separated she hugged me, and I could see that her lip trembled.

“It is all good. Just go,” she said and smiled nervously.

I smiled back and waved before I ran to the other children. It was suddenly quiet when I came running into the classroom. I could not really see why. Some children in the back row giggled quietly as they glanced mischievously at me. I stood there for a while, until I saw an empty desk and sat down. The clock on the wall ticked slowly towards half past eight when the hour was supposed to start. I was quickly pulled out of my own thoughts, when the teacher came in and closed the door behind her.

“Good morning, children,” she greeted as she looked over the class.

“Today is your first day at school, and I think that we should use this day to get to know each other.”

I noticed that the children around me began to talk. I looked up at the teacher; she stood there quietly and shushed on the children who were yelling.

“Now it is enough with all this trouble,” she shushed.

“Let us rather make a name game, and get to know each other.”

All the children went out on the floor and stood in a ring. I remember it particularly well. I came next to a girl with pigtails and a bright red dress. She took my hand and smiled. I smiled back.

“Everyone should say their names one by one,” the teacher said:
“Ine, Henriette, Ole, Anna Bella, Sophie, Nils, Thomas …”

I remember my stomach knotted up, when it was approaching my turn. My hands began to tremble, I tried as best I could to keep it in check. I would really not want anyone to notice that I was nervous. The teacher pulled me abruptly out of my own thoughts again.

“May you say your name?” she asked friendly.

“Who, what, I …?” I replied, confused.
The other children started laughing. The teacher nodded at me.

“Yes, it is your turn.”

As I was saying my name, I did not produce a sound. My voice was gone. I tried to clear my throat and cough, but it did not come back. Several of the children broke out into laughter.

Fifteen years later we met again at a reunion party. They recognised me, but did not meet my gaze. Some of them came up to me and it is rare I see adult men to tears, but it happened that is.

“I am truly sorry for everything and wish I could take it back, but I cannot. Nonetheless, I hope you will forgive me,” they said in turn.

I must admit I was overwhelmed and I really had not expected them to come over to ask for forgiveness. I had one voice inside that said that I should forgive them, yet there was another voice that said I should not. I thanked them for their words and never saw them again. In a way I thought it was too late coming back fifteen years later, because they wanted to be friends. On the other hand, I think it was brave of them. The rest of the evening I hung out with my real friends; those who always had been there for me and who supported me through the ups and downs.

It was night. The party was long over, and I went out on the porch with a glass of champagne in my left hand. The moon shone bright and clear. I sipped champagne and thought of the evening’s events. How my life had been and what I had achieved. Even with my experiences I could feel tingling in my body of bliss. Whether it only lasted for a few seconds, I knew that I had meant something to someone.

To them.

I do not know where I am or where I have ended up. I do not know whether I am alive or whether I am dead. My eyes are open and I see the world in a whole new perspective. The voices are silent. It is bright.

I wake up and it is dark. I hear the song from my own funeral. Every bench in the church is full of people who once meant something to me, and people I have meant something to. I do not know how long I have been here, or how long it will be. There is no time or place.

The sound of singing grows from the floor and up in every corner of the church, through their tear-stained faces and down in my cabin. The priest faces the assembly. I see all the flowers, eyes closing; I hear the sound of singing being slowly erased.